how can this be the right thing, when missing you hurts so much?

3rd Feb 2010

What on earth inspires anyone to get on a horse (for the first time in 20 years=how long i've lived) at 75? I mean if you have been riding all your life and have stayed fit for riding etc then yeah sure, but if not; what are you thinking booking a one and a half hour trek? We offer half-hour minitreks, hour treks and ponyleads, all of which would be acceptably suitable for someone your age and ability.. But no.
Hence i have to spend over an hour and a half absolutely terrified that the horse will stumble and you fall flat on the ground and never being able to get on again. Now your a lovely lady and I'm glad you had a good time, but maybe maybe you should be a tiny bit less adventurous?

1st feb 2010

A year ago today, I was bouncing with excitement, that email I had been waiting for came,

"Hi Hanna,
We could offer you the position of working with us,
What information would you like about the job and when will you be over?
Cheers
C"


It was right up there with my first uni-offer, a few lines that I knew would change my life forever. I hadn't had a very easy year, stable duties and lack of sleep was weighing me down, I was in the early stages of planning to swap accommodation and just knowing that everything would be so different a year later put a week-long lasting smile on my face.

Just over a month later I moved, and things changed, because I didn't just move, I moved home. Years and years of running (don't ask me from what) and all of a sudden I didn't have to. It was unplanned, the timing was ridiculously bad and it was destined to fail within weeks. But it didnt. Months of debate, but i had to go, and here i am.

Apparently I've been here just under five months. To simplify lets say i started debating in june, continued through July, august, september, october (during which I debated enough for two months), novemer, december and january. Thats nine months in total. And I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. And I have (apparently) four months and four days left. So by the time I get home it will have been over a year of selfdoubt and arguing myself. Isn't that just a bit stupid?

CAMP IS OVER :D :D

And i went shoppin :)

random early morning thoughts (and im not depressed im just fckin tired)

three unidentified bruises on the right leg, no suprise really, they're not pretty but they seem to be inevidable in this line of work, was the same in aber, scratches on my hands, dirt that doesn't come off, the lovely evidence of me forgettin/losin my gloves.

wake up automatically at seven, i know its my day off but once im awake its too late, keep my eyes closed, hide under the covers, ignore the noise from downstairs, sleep. yeah right, i could try... no success... but i stay in bed on principal, i don't need to be up. i don't ever wanna get up. but then i get bored...

phonecall from roz and steve (yeah the lucky bastard is in aber), probably the biggest highlight of the day, unless you count a certain horrible camp-kid going home... i could have gone into town on the bus, but that would have meant gettin up earlier. yuck. like i dont do enough getting up 6 days a week.

20 more weeks, i've been checking ticket prices home a couple times a month since i got here, last night i chose a random date in february, just too check. prices have gone down. i could easily afford that. so tempting. unfortunately its not worth the consequences.

i dunno what i was thinking. i mean seriously. nine months+ ? STUPID, the good news is after this i prob wont leave europe for a very long while. i can't say i miss home, but i defo miss the people, and since thats where they are, well yeah... STUPID

Dee left two weeks ago this sunday, Rui two days later, Cecilie only has a week and a half left. then its just me. very motivating.

and its right there, starrin right in my face, tht little number tht i could afford, that little number that will put an end to all this and bring me home.

its stupid and i know it, but its all i want right now, and clicking that button would be so easy

but then what? no job, no uni

never mind, it was just a thought...